Oh how I loathe the TWW. Especially when AF date gets closer and closer it takes everything in me just to stay sane. AF is supposed to rear her ugly face on Sunday. I don't know why every month I keep doing this to myself, but I test almost a week before my AF and sigh when the results are a BFN! In an ideal world I would love to test tomorrow, and get a positive. How amazing of a Thanksgiving would that be, but I am holding out as I don't want to test that early and I only have one first response left in the package. OH if only trying to concieve would be EASY! I am so used to seeing the one line on a test, that I just assume thats what its going to be. Cannot wait until the day I see those two whopping lines!
On another note, I am getting eager for my first Dr's appt after the year mark! A ball full of emotions: excited, scared, eager, uneasy. I am feeling so many different things. My appt is scheduled for the 5th of December, and my Period Tracker (which usually varies from a day or two) says I am going to ovulate on the 7th. Hopefully the Dr can take a quick look and see if I will be ovulating. This week has been a tough one. 3 of my friends have delivered babies this week. I am excited for them, very excited! Especially since two of them both have PCOS and had to conceive using Clomid. I am also extremely jealous. I feel selfish for saying that, but its the damn truth. I see these first baby pictures, and mommy's holding their babies for the first time and I just pray that is me someday.
So hears to the TWW. Hoping that everyone who has to go thru it, will get their postive results come the end of the waiting game!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The haunting word "infertile"
You try all your life to not get pregnant, and when you want to bring a child into this world you can't. Kind of ironic to me. The past year has been the most emotionally draining year I have ever had.
I believe in God, and I believe in His timing. That being said, sitting in the waiting room waiting for your "time" is not always easy. Especially when its a long wait.
A little background for those who don't know me. I am 24 years old and have been married to my best friend since July 30, 2011. My best friend just turned 26 and he brought the most amazing gift into our relationship. A 5 year old daughter named Kyndall aka "the light of my life." My husband has full custody of Kyndall so she lives with us 100% of the time. So in all aspects other then "biological" she is my child, and I love her as such. We always knew we wanted to have more children. So in November 2011 we thought it was time to start trying. I thought it would be easy. A couple months went by with negative after negative and Aunt Flow after Aunt Flow. Went to my OBGYN after 4 months,and she said "it just takes time." 8 months pass and I go to my new OBGYN and he again says, "it takes time and to come back in November if I'm still not pregnant." Well fast forward to November and here I am still not pregnant.
For those who don't know after one year of actively TTC without avail you are considered "infertile!" That word scares me more then I ever thought possible. I have an appt again on December 5th and I am praying I get some answers. This journery is the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. Especially when you are surrounded by everyone around you having babies or going thru pregnancy.
I feel like I am letting my husband down. I am failing him as a wife. I feel like I am letting Kyndall down, not giving her a sibling she is wanting so badly. I feel like my body is letting me down. Why me? Why can't I seem to get pregnant? Everyone says, it will happen in time and to stop "trying." For anyone who has ever struggled to conceive those comments are like nails on a chalkboard. Easier said then done people! My biggest dream in life is to become a mother and go thru the motions of carrying a child. I pray to carry a child, to bring a child into this world, to nourish a child with my body. All things that God intended for a womans body to do. Every tear, every negative test, every "it'll happen in time." So here I am today, after one year of trying and now considered "infertile" still keeping faith praying that if it's in God's will (which please be in His will) I will soon carry a child of my own. A child that will be created by two people who love one another immensely. A child that our daughter can call herself a "big sister," because of them. For this I pray!
I believe in God, and I believe in His timing. That being said, sitting in the waiting room waiting for your "time" is not always easy. Especially when its a long wait.
A little background for those who don't know me. I am 24 years old and have been married to my best friend since July 30, 2011. My best friend just turned 26 and he brought the most amazing gift into our relationship. A 5 year old daughter named Kyndall aka "the light of my life." My husband has full custody of Kyndall so she lives with us 100% of the time. So in all aspects other then "biological" she is my child, and I love her as such. We always knew we wanted to have more children. So in November 2011 we thought it was time to start trying. I thought it would be easy. A couple months went by with negative after negative and Aunt Flow after Aunt Flow. Went to my OBGYN after 4 months,and she said "it just takes time." 8 months pass and I go to my new OBGYN and he again says, "it takes time and to come back in November if I'm still not pregnant." Well fast forward to November and here I am still not pregnant.
For those who don't know after one year of actively TTC without avail you are considered "infertile!" That word scares me more then I ever thought possible. I have an appt again on December 5th and I am praying I get some answers. This journery is the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. Especially when you are surrounded by everyone around you having babies or going thru pregnancy.
I feel like I am letting my husband down. I am failing him as a wife. I feel like I am letting Kyndall down, not giving her a sibling she is wanting so badly. I feel like my body is letting me down. Why me? Why can't I seem to get pregnant? Everyone says, it will happen in time and to stop "trying." For anyone who has ever struggled to conceive those comments are like nails on a chalkboard. Easier said then done people! My biggest dream in life is to become a mother and go thru the motions of carrying a child. I pray to carry a child, to bring a child into this world, to nourish a child with my body. All things that God intended for a womans body to do. Every tear, every negative test, every "it'll happen in time." So here I am today, after one year of trying and now considered "infertile" still keeping faith praying that if it's in God's will (which please be in His will) I will soon carry a child of my own. A child that will be created by two people who love one another immensely. A child that our daughter can call herself a "big sister," because of them. For this I pray!
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